The Tale Of The Tape
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By Don Davis

While Iran's hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently challenged Preisdent Bush to a televised debate, we all know this has about the same chance of coming off as the Confederate Flag tattoo on George Allen's buttocks.

But it might still be fun to take a sneak peek at the "Tale of the Tape" in a hypothetical match-up between these two flyweights (which, for you boxing novices, is even less than a lightweight). So here goes:


10. Height-

Ahmadinejad: five two.
Bush: six, same as IQ.


9. Reach-

Ahmadinejad: throughout the Midlle East.
Bush: only up to Cheney's office.


8. Language-

Ahmadinejad: Farsi.
Bush: farce-ee.


7. Favorite Debate Prop-

Ahmadinejad: nuclear reactor.
Bush: radio transmitter.


6. Actions While "Young and Irresponsible"-

Ahmadinejad: Joining Iranian Revolutionary Guard and taking hostages.
Bush: dodging National Guard and taking cocaine.


5. Flight From Reality-

Ahmadinejad: denies Holocaust.
Bush: denies Evolution.


4. Gender Policies-

Ahmadinejad: wants women covered head-to-toe.
Bush: administration outs Valerie Plame.


3. Short-Term Goal-

Ahmadinejad: taking Iran "nuclear."
Bush: pronouncing the word "nuclear."


2. Long-Term Goal-

Ahmadinejad: creating theocracies in region.
Bush: creating theocracy at home.


1. Chief Threat-

Ahmadinejad: the Great Satan.
Bush: an educated nation.