'CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution'

December 21, 2005
Courtesy of: http://theonion.com
Issue: 41-45
(Satire)

Langley, Va--An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA Director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and light deprivation, and the application of wire hangars hooked to a car battery to the testicles.

"I did it...we did it... we all did it!
the president knew...the president did it!
please, God, please stop,"

said a voice identified as Goss' on recordings produced by CIA auditors.

"stop, please stop!
I won't do it again...the president won't do it again...please let me die!"

Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence, pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry...